And This Time's Different

Oh my goodness. I woke up at 5am this morning. No joke. I think everyone thought I was upset or dead - seeing as how I woke up to 18 text messages and 9 missed calls. Sooooo, sorry for the worries. Needless to say, after a longggg day at the hospital, I came home, did homework and PASSED OUT at 7:30pm. Hahaha. Passed out cold. I was thinking a nap, but my body was thinking a little more like NIGHT TIME. Haha. I love it! Anyways, I woke up early to start my day, and Im thinking this is a really great habit I need to start getting into. Im used to waking up "early", but not this early. And I love it! What a jump on the day. =)

Enough about that... You know what I did at the hospital yesterday... NOTHING NEW. Youd think thatd leave me all upset - NOPE. I couldnt have been happier. I literally played with, held, changed and fed 14 different babies yesterday. It was like being a momma all day! And I was loving it. I came home & really feel bad for my friends and fam. Hahaha... they have to keep telling me, "Jordan Leigh, you do not want a kid right now..." Hahahaha. Of course not til after Im married, but the way I see it thatll never happen anyways.. SOOOOOO... I should adopt while Im young. Hahahaha. If only I could. I will never understand an atheist or agnostic... Hello... HAVE YOU SEEN A BABY! Just looking at its precious face and little teeny, tiny toes is enough for me to walk outside screaming praises to GOD for being ALIVE and for all his little miracles everyday! Oh, and especially after you watch a birth... NO DOUBTS in God Almighty!

Oh, and the Dance Team this year - will be AMAZING and thats all there is to it! Yeah, I for sure love all the girls, and we have a squad full of talent with some FANTASTIC fundraising ideas that will get our name out there! I cannot wait to see what this year will hold. =) Ive already made some even MORE awesome friends.

Ok, about my momma... Were all still disappointed about everything that has happened and the mistakes made. Fortunately, we know that something good came from it, whether we can see it or not. Somewhere along the line, it was a learning experience for SOMEONE! And thats fine with us. Here in the next two weeks though, my mom goes in for another scope... So PLEASE PRAY hard that a miracle happened somewhere along the line, and the cancer is GONE! Because this world wouldnt know what to do without my mom running around a mile a minute, taking charge, and being the big boss lady. =)

And I know I say this all too often, but my friends... well the amount continues to grow everyday, I know so many amazing people that I dont even know what to do with... But I thank God for them daily. So many amazing people have shown me SO much just in the past year. Ive grown and matured more than I ever thought possible... And I wouldnt be the person I am today without all their insights and smiling faces! Thank you ALL! And its amazing what God can show you when you least expect it... Youre worst enemy can turn into some thing more... I see it on a daily basis, and I think it's God showing us that were more capable than we give ourselves credit for.

Alright, time to get started on homework.. in the DARK.... I love it. Actually, Im gonna take a run first... Then Im in for the kill. I wish everyone a BEAUTIFUL, AMAZING Tuesday! And please let me know if you need anything - even if its simply a prayer request!

I Want You But Im Not Giving In This Time

Of all the things I believe in
I just want to get it over with
tears from behind my eyes
but I do not cry
Counting the days that past me by
I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Looks like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend and I say
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I love
The one thing that I tried to hold on to I
still get lost in your eyes
And it seems like I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes till you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
but it's not right
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
Ohhh yeah
It hurts to want everything & nothing at the same time
I want whats yours and I want whats mine
I want you but I'm not giving in this time
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
We the stars fall and I lie awake
Your my shooting star

If Only You Understood

You know what kills me, thinking they will never know the truth, they never heard the real story. Maybe, just maybe if they'd known all that happened things wouldn't be this way, as if their existence in my life was nothing more than an acquaintance coming and going.... Just staying for awhile in the middle. And as if I didn't match up and just wasn't good enough, not for the long run. Please know I never imagined or meant for things to turn the way they did, but when people aren't living for God, there's bound to be trouble. I'm sorry that things couldn't stay that way, and I still think of you all daily.

So Nursing Pinning Ceremony this Sunday. Exciting! It's to symbolize our current practice as a Student Nurse. Yah! So, it's pretty much official. =)

And DANCE TRYOUTS STARTING TUESDAY! Ha. Wont make it to the first practice - Freaking night class... Hahaha. But they've got me covered. Cant wait to finally dance again. Horray!

P.S. Life is too short to take for granted. Man alive, Im just starting to realize just how many amazing friends I have. ((Must not be uncompassionate after all - I swear some people know exactly what to say to ruin your week... But being bitter isn't pretty on anyone... And Im glad I can finally see that. The past is over and should be left there...)) Anyways, Im lucky and blessed and haappppppy and oh-so thankful! I just cant believe all that is going on anymore. And sunny days, always bring a smile to my face - like today!

But sometimes, I cant help but dwell on the waste of my time... I know it may not make sense to you. But I have never been so discouraged and disappointed. Really - I wasted and gave so much. All for what? This?....

K. Watching Made of Honor! Then taking a nap and dreaming of all those beautiful babies! Naptime... Then seeing my favs....

Torn Between The Impossible

Its like I dont know what to do anymore. Be there for someone I love, or continue to act like that part of me has died and been long since over and done with. I know what I need to do, but why cant on those days where its too much to handle, why on those days is it when Im needed for a situation that is too much to bare. Im not a selfish person, nor am I uncompassionate. But a heart can only take so much. And the lies were too much to even understand or make sense of. I look back and realize they werent just this summer, theyve been a long time coming. Maybe Im dumb for always trusting, always depending, always understanding... Then Im made out to be the selfish one. The one that cant be there for someone... When shed do anything to take that place. When nothing makes sense. Some days are amazing, other days are full of fear... of absolute shock of all thats happened. And why I feel so responsible... Why does a heart have to be so torn. Ready to be done - but not able to let go. It doesnt make sense. I mean God has a reason for everything, but its usually just hard to see... Something could be really over, something may only be over for the time being... to some day be something better than ever before, something may end simply to touch u things or open ur eyes, but I swear... I wont lose something that was once and always has been mine. Gods will always finds its way in our lives.

On a brighter note, Ive found an amazing church! =) And an awesome bible study/community group! Yes yes yes. And its just what I needed.


Always remember this:

"God always gives you what you would have asked for if you knew everything that He knows."
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Out With The Old, In With The New

<3
....

"Here's to the nights we've felt alive, here's to the tears you knew youd cry... Goodbye, tomorrow's gonna come too soon."

Wow, being a student nurse is such an amazing experience. And babies? Really, how can you not just be in the best of moods and fall in love. Birth is such an eye opening experience and a wonderful renewel of faith. =) I couldnt be more blessed and excited right now. I would have never have thought that I wouldnt even be nervous. However theres nothing but excitement right now, nothing. And to think, this is what Im doing with my life... Its starting. Everything is falling into place. I guess Im one of those people that love to look ahead and know that I really do have a lot going for me, and a bright future to look forward to. =) Im going to be doing something with my life that Im 100% devoted to and completely passionate about. Being able to touch hundreds of lives a day and making a difference, there is no job more rewarding. =) What an honor to become a nurse and have people trust you with their lives.

I know that plenty of family check this blog... So, let me also add how grateful I am to all those who stood by my moms side during her bowel ressection surgery. I know that everyone is going through a lot lately, but to know that so many people can put their own lives on hold to help out others is such a blessing - it brings a tear to my eyes. I really hate that I wasnt able to be there on the day of surgery (Since, I started clinicals.) But dont you worry, Ive tried to lecture her as much as possible about exercising and breathing exercises. =) Oh, we know she just loves me for that. Anyways, the surgery went amazing! And, of course, shes such a trooper and pushing herself right along! And should be out of the hospital in a few days! And, luckily, I am able to make a trip home this weekend to see my family & friends & that lucky guy of mine. :-) Haha.

P.S. Whoever you may be, please never take for granted all the great friends in your lives. I cant even begin to think of ALL the wonderful people that I know I can count on... And that know they can count on me as well. I know the past few weeks Ive stayed up super late a few times for a few friends in need... I just want you to know that I would do anything for you guys. And those late night calls make me feel blessed to have you in my life, theyre never, ever a burden! Needless to say, its sometimes hard to keep a busy schedule and keep up with everyone, but I promise Im trying. Above all else, I just want you all to know that Ive been beyond blessed to have you as a part of my life, and Im always, always here for you - and Im forever grateful!

I must also add that, looking back, I never thought Id be where I am today. Yeah, some people have "crapped" on me, others have used me, lied to me, misled me, mistreated me, and a few have even dropped me completely. But realistically, who doesnt go through that. Its really a part of life. No matter where youre at, keep your head up. And remind yourself to never live for anyone besides God. Because if you do, itll never work out. And when you lose that person, itll be like you lost part of your soul. The bottom line is that life never turns out the way we want it to, but youve gotta love AND live for YOURSELF (& keep that smile on your face), youve gotta be proud of the person that youve become and appreciate everyone from the past (even those worst enemies...) Because everyone has helped shape who you are today. Hahaha. Im not meaning to be sitting here preaching and lecturing. I just hate knowing that I have to feel like I wasted sooooo much of my time - when I wish I could have been told all this from the get go.

Then again, who am I to be giving advice. I swear I learn more about my self and life around me on a daily basis. And Ive finally begun to realize its rather refreshing. =)

Haha. I think I have probably rambled enough for the day. I hadnt been on here forever, but since Im away at school and dont see all the family on a constant basis anymore, I figured Id fill everyone in!

Love you all more than youll ever know. And remember, the smile on my face is there because of YOU! =) I couldnt be happier with all my friends and family and life, in general. Nursing is really getting better and better everyday.

[[but i must add, i ALREADY miss all those lil old ladies and lil old men at the nursing home back in Mattoon. but im coming to see you all this weekend....]]

Here's To Life

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We all deserve to be appreciated.
You shouldn't have to beg for a backrub.
Tomorrow is never promised, nor is your next breath.
Depend on God in all you do.
Befriend strangers.
Give more than you receive.
Never settle. Unless you want to be unhappy.
Dont think the grass is greener on the other side.
Never throw away love that has been given to you.
Dont take anything or one for granted.
Enjoy the sun.
Thank God for the beauty around you.
When you feel God talking, listen.
Marriage is a lifelong thing.
Always give someone another chance.
Never let yourself second guess. Know its right.
Let people in.
Trust when you cant find the strength.
Pray.
Love... like you've never been hurt.
Smile even when you're not happy.
Work your hardest everyday.
Make a good name for yourself.
Stand up for whats right.
Give to those in need.
Be a witness of your morals and faith.
Dance through lifes' obstacles.
Never believe something is impossible.
Celebrate the little things.
Dont judge.
Hold onto your family.
Be thankful.

Most importantly, be appreciative of everything both big and small! Life is a gift. So make the best of it.

Ha. Dont know what all that was about, but people frustrate me anymore... Soooo. Take it in.

.Peace.out.girl.scout.

What's A Heart To Do

Sick.
Misunderstood.
Alone.
Afraid.

But wondering why these feelings are so strong only sometimes. And other times I can put it all aside and realize that if he truly ever does get over me, then we werent met to be. You see I can tell myself that all day long. But what I really think is there has to be a reason for all this... Not just for us to suffer, for us to hurt, for me to handle situations all wrong. Not for me to just not be myself, and act crazy and scared and in love beyond words. Was it that for three and a half years, I just loved him more, just felt more, just trusted in our future more? Was it me that had no doubts of us being together forever? How dramatic am I being? I mean, this shouldnt matter right? God will bring me through, I know that.... But what I dont get is all the ups and downs. When things are great, then things are terrible, and whats worse is that I feel like its always my fault. Things get great, then I listen to some idiot, or worry, or assume and make something out of nothing.... then its late at night, I dont think before I open my mouth, and Im freaking out. I dont want things to be like this. Not anymore. I cant keep doing this to myself or him. I dont get it anymore. Things are great, they can and have the utmost potential to be that way and stay that way. You see, its not possible for someone to feel so strongly about someone else. For a couple to not be able to move from each other...after so much time...and still love each other more than the other can even fathom. Why do I have such faith? And do I even have a reason to anymore? Idk. Guess I dont care either. I can only be myself. Say what I feel, but depend on only myself and God for happiness. I just dont get why so long, why the other girls? And blocking me? Does no good. ((I really wish it did - I wish blocking someone would elminate them from your life, if only for a short time, just to elminate the worrying))... But Ill forever be in his life, so I guess some people just might have to get used to it. Im sorry, and wish it werent that way, but this girls love is going no where. Whats worse, I am not even trying to make it go away. Its just still not what God's putting on my heart... Idk. I just hope I can see it when he is...


"If youre really soulmates, its going to take far more than a few years to move on with your life... Pretending can only get you so far."

The Light Shining Through ..::..::..

Waking up at 5:15am, is not something I want to think about until clinicals start in the Fall. Hahaha, but it looks like no matter what I feel on the subject, my body will do whatever it wants. Unfortunately, its summertime, and at this hour...the only thing I can do is run/workout, but Im hoping to fall back asleep, so thats not a current option. Hmmmm, I hate the feeling in my stomach right now. I wont go into details...but...well, enough said I guess. My momma says she wont let this happen again, but Im afraid this again this year, she has no control.

So, I decided random nights out are sometimes bad news. Hmmm, the other night was odd. I did have a good time at first, but then well, somethings I wish I could avoid at all costs, and cant seem to.

P.S. Im eating better. And have been for a few weeks. Well see how long it lasts, but I feel like I owe that much to "helping my mom out now". Making it easier on her, makes me feel so much better. And the walks and running help of course. But I really need to check into another gym membership. Im thinking 24 hour gym this time maybe?

Did you know that reading is one of the greatest things possible. Ive realized that my mind is able to escape from every possible thing in this world and get all wrapped up in a life far from my own. I think reading is the one time that I dont spend my every second worrying about other people. Haha. Im engrossed in something new and exciting. Im reading about a book every few days now [[And more time for the bible]]. Reading might be my number one love about summertime.

And, Im part of a prayer support team now. Thats exciting news. Nothing more rejuvenating than being a part of something so much bigger than myself and helping others! Another great thing, Ive made some amazing friends lately. A few from the end of the school year, but some others actually from back home. And one that well, I dont really know, but her prayer and support already means the world to me.

God is AMAZING. In times of needs, he always conquers. Last night at work, a resident said some comforting things when I was about to break and fall into pieces. She had no clue what was going on, but Im thinking she was my angel last night. Gave me strength when God told her just what I needed to hear. Plus, Ive felt God tugging on me sometimes lately, and when I act on it asap, I feel like Ive touched some just when they needed it most. Its a weird feeling, but youve gotta just go with it, and LET GOD!

...Please remember to be kind to everyone you meet for theyre fighting a battle you know nothing about...

Keep my family in your prayers. Please & thank you.

[[oh and of course, my heart still hurts more everyday...]]

-------> LOVE PICS <-------


(awe - my bff & me. yeah hes my fav & great & amazing. Kinda like ...all that and a bag of chips...)

Sex and the City

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Not good to watch if:

youre feeling used.
ure a hopeless romantic.
ure wondering when its going to work out for you.

Just an idea. Ive heard it from various people. HAHA.

Btw, my family = awesomeness.
Summer = great.
Work = enough said.

Oh and Im writing a song - because I think its fun. Dunno where it came from & no one will ever hear it, but I think its interesting.

And ummm, Im pretty much stoked about working in OB starting FALLLLL! Bring on the babies and mommas! Yes yes yes. Finally taking care of people (NOT as a CNA) haha!

I Am ----->

.....

needing more guidance than I ever thought possible. I really dont know what to do or say anymore, or even how to go about saying it....or getting my point across. Truth is...sometimes I feel like I really know what God is doing in my life, and other days Im wondering what I did to be in the position Im in. I know, I know...people think that sitting on the outside looking in...things are cut and dry, black and white. But in my life, its a mess of a whirlwind...a roller coaster that goes down more often than it goes up....Really youd think I was far below sea level, fighting my way back to the top, struggling for any bit of breathe that I could get. Most of the time I feel like I just need someone to reach out, grab me and pull me up. Make me have motivation, make me see that this isnt the life I was intended for. But I guess thats a whole nother test in itself - fighting for what I believe in, what I want, and what I know is meant for my life. Some days the motivation and strength are there without asking, without being forced, but other times, Im lost and struggling and wondering how everyone else makes it look so incredibly easy. There are things I need to change, need to work on...to become the person that I want to be and know Ill become. But thats like anyones life, right? Making improvements, changes, sacrifices. All I know is what my heart tells me all day long, before I go to sleep at night, and first thing when I wake up. Its love...maybe thats the most important thing in the universe. I mean, thats pretty much what I think anyways. But love is hard, love is a struggle, love takes work. The thing is...youve gotta find that person that is worth fighting for, that the good is worth the bad, the one...the only one. Well, I suppose Im trying to say that "Im in"...count me in. Im a girl that cant help but know what I want and how I feel. Things were amazing for so long for a reason. I was blessed beyond all recognition! And well, anything important enough...is always worth fighting for. And when two people fight for each other....against all odds...whats supposed to happen, will happen. As long as things have been let go, given over to God, and all hurt has been released. A fresh start for something a long time coming... <3 Its your love, it just does something to me...