Wednesday, June 18, 2008

What's A Heart To Do

Sick.
Misunderstood.
Alone.
Afraid.

But wondering why these feelings are so strong only sometimes. And other times I can put it all aside and realize that if he truly ever does get over me, then we werent met to be. You see I can tell myself that all day long. But what I really think is there has to be a reason for all this... Not just for us to suffer, for us to hurt, for me to handle situations all wrong. Not for me to just not be myself, and act crazy and scared and in love beyond words. Was it that for three and a half years, I just loved him more, just felt more, just trusted in our future more? Was it me that had no doubts of us being together forever? How dramatic am I being? I mean, this shouldnt matter right? God will bring me through, I know that.... But what I dont get is all the ups and downs. When things are great, then things are terrible, and whats worse is that I feel like its always my fault. Things get great, then I listen to some idiot, or worry, or assume and make something out of nothing.... then its late at night, I dont think before I open my mouth, and Im freaking out. I dont want things to be like this. Not anymore. I cant keep doing this to myself or him. I dont get it anymore. Things are great, they can and have the utmost potential to be that way and stay that way. You see, its not possible for someone to feel so strongly about someone else. For a couple to not be able to move from each other...after so much time...and still love each other more than the other can even fathom. Why do I have such faith? And do I even have a reason to anymore? Idk. Guess I dont care either. I can only be myself. Say what I feel, but depend on only myself and God for happiness. I just dont get why so long, why the other girls? And blocking me? Does no good. ((I really wish it did - I wish blocking someone would elminate them from your life, if only for a short time, just to elminate the worrying))... But Ill forever be in his life, so I guess some people just might have to get used to it. Im sorry, and wish it werent that way, but this girls love is going no where. Whats worse, I am not even trying to make it go away. Its just still not what God's putting on my heart... Idk. I just hope I can see it when he is...


"If youre really soulmates, its going to take far more than a few years to move on with your life... Pretending can only get you so far."

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

The Light Shining Through ..::..::..

Waking up at 5:15am, is not something I want to think about until clinicals start in the Fall. Hahaha, but it looks like no matter what I feel on the subject, my body will do whatever it wants. Unfortunately, its summertime, and at this hour...the only thing I can do is run/workout, but Im hoping to fall back asleep, so thats not a current option. Hmmmm, I hate the feeling in my stomach right now. I wont go into details...but...well, enough said I guess. My momma says she wont let this happen again, but Im afraid this again this year, she has no control.

So, I decided random nights out are sometimes bad news. Hmmm, the other night was odd. I did have a good time at first, but then well, somethings I wish I could avoid at all costs, and cant seem to.

P.S. Im eating better. And have been for a few weeks. Well see how long it lasts, but I feel like I owe that much to "helping my mom out now". Making it easier on her, makes me feel so much better. And the walks and running help of course. But I really need to check into another gym membership. Im thinking 24 hour gym this time maybe?

Did you know that reading is one of the greatest things possible. Ive realized that my mind is able to escape from every possible thing in this world and get all wrapped up in a life far from my own. I think reading is the one time that I dont spend my every second worrying about other people. Haha. Im engrossed in something new and exciting. Im reading about a book every few days now [[And more time for the bible]]. Reading might be my number one love about summertime.

And, Im part of a prayer support team now. Thats exciting news. Nothing more rejuvenating than being a part of something so much bigger than myself and helping others! Another great thing, Ive made some amazing friends lately. A few from the end of the school year, but some others actually from back home. And one that well, I dont really know, but her prayer and support already means the world to me.

God is AMAZING. In times of needs, he always conquers. Last night at work, a resident said some comforting things when I was about to break and fall into pieces. She had no clue what was going on, but Im thinking she was my angel last night. Gave me strength when God told her just what I needed to hear. Plus, Ive felt God tugging on me sometimes lately, and when I act on it asap, I feel like Ive touched some just when they needed it most. Its a weird feeling, but youve gotta just go with it, and LET GOD!

...Please remember to be kind to everyone you meet for theyre fighting a battle you know nothing about...

Keep my family in your prayers. Please & thank you.

[[oh and of course, my heart still hurts more everyday...]]

-------> LOVE PICS <-------


(awe - my bff & me. yeah hes my fav & great & amazing. Kinda like ...all that and a bag of chips...)