..::Just Some People I am Thankful For::..

Thanks to all my friends here, there, & in between. I owe you all the world!

<3 Jordan

There's Something About This Time of Year

So, I noticed yesterday how beautiful the roads are at night when theyre covered with rain. I know it sounds meaningless, but I really felt God's presence. How can people not look around and give God the credit for all the beauty... I guess sometimes it escapes my mind as well - I just miss having my grandpa tell me everyday how I need to count my blessings. Idk. I know Im rambling for the sake of nothing, but I miss my grandparents miserably some days. Its sooo comforting knowing theyre in such a better place and free of any pain. However, I believe its sometimes human to be selfish with others. Let me say, my grandparents meant more to me than anyone... They love, wisdom, and courage set standards in my life that will be hard to meet but will never allow me to settle. I must say, I should thank God more often for putting such beautiful people in my life. I talked to my grandparents about anything and everything, and my gramps always knew just what to say. I know, deep down, my grandma would have been saying the same things - maybe a little bit sterner though. :)



This time of year usually fills my heart with something so hard to explain - a little bit of love and pride, of thankfulness and giving, of selflessness, and more compassion than imaginable. Ive tried to conquer many things just within the past year - one of which being more thankful and appreciative, but also standing up for myself & being happy about the person that Im becoming... Well, Ive accomplished a lot, as have many of my friends. But I know I wouldnt be where I am today without my amazing friends and family that have pulled me through when I didnt think I could stand it any longer. I guess the thing Ive learned this year is that... Life really is what you make it, and dwelling on the past will get you no where!



So, at this time I ask that everyone look around them and really open up their eyes to all that they should be thankful for!



<3 J Leigh

And This Time's Different

Oh my goodness. I woke up at 5am this morning. No joke. I think everyone thought I was upset or dead - seeing as how I woke up to 18 text messages and 9 missed calls. Sooooo, sorry for the worries. Needless to say, after a longggg day at the hospital, I came home, did homework and PASSED OUT at 7:30pm. Hahaha. Passed out cold. I was thinking a nap, but my body was thinking a little more like NIGHT TIME. Haha. I love it! Anyways, I woke up early to start my day, and Im thinking this is a really great habit I need to start getting into. Im used to waking up "early", but not this early. And I love it! What a jump on the day. =)

Enough about that... You know what I did at the hospital yesterday... NOTHING NEW. Youd think thatd leave me all upset - NOPE. I couldnt have been happier. I literally played with, held, changed and fed 14 different babies yesterday. It was like being a momma all day! And I was loving it. I came home & really feel bad for my friends and fam. Hahaha... they have to keep telling me, "Jordan Leigh, you do not want a kid right now..." Hahahaha. Of course not til after Im married, but the way I see it thatll never happen anyways.. SOOOOOO... I should adopt while Im young. Hahahaha. If only I could. I will never understand an atheist or agnostic... Hello... HAVE YOU SEEN A BABY! Just looking at its precious face and little teeny, tiny toes is enough for me to walk outside screaming praises to GOD for being ALIVE and for all his little miracles everyday! Oh, and especially after you watch a birth... NO DOUBTS in God Almighty!

Oh, and the Dance Team this year - will be AMAZING and thats all there is to it! Yeah, I for sure love all the girls, and we have a squad full of talent with some FANTASTIC fundraising ideas that will get our name out there! I cannot wait to see what this year will hold. =) Ive already made some even MORE awesome friends.

Ok, about my momma... Were all still disappointed about everything that has happened and the mistakes made. Fortunately, we know that something good came from it, whether we can see it or not. Somewhere along the line, it was a learning experience for SOMEONE! And thats fine with us. Here in the next two weeks though, my mom goes in for another scope... So PLEASE PRAY hard that a miracle happened somewhere along the line, and the cancer is GONE! Because this world wouldnt know what to do without my mom running around a mile a minute, taking charge, and being the big boss lady. =)

And I know I say this all too often, but my friends... well the amount continues to grow everyday, I know so many amazing people that I dont even know what to do with... But I thank God for them daily. So many amazing people have shown me SO much just in the past year. Ive grown and matured more than I ever thought possible... And I wouldnt be the person I am today without all their insights and smiling faces! Thank you ALL! And its amazing what God can show you when you least expect it... Youre worst enemy can turn into some thing more... I see it on a daily basis, and I think it's God showing us that were more capable than we give ourselves credit for.

Alright, time to get started on homework.. in the DARK.... I love it. Actually, Im gonna take a run first... Then Im in for the kill. I wish everyone a BEAUTIFUL, AMAZING Tuesday! And please let me know if you need anything - even if its simply a prayer request!

I Want You But Im Not Giving In This Time

Of all the things I believe in
I just want to get it over with
tears from behind my eyes
but I do not cry
Counting the days that past me by
I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Looks like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend and I say
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I love
The one thing that I tried to hold on to I
still get lost in your eyes
And it seems like I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes till you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
but it's not right
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
Ohhh yeah
It hurts to want everything & nothing at the same time
I want whats yours and I want whats mine
I want you but I'm not giving in this time
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
We the stars fall and I lie awake
Your my shooting star

If Only You Understood

You know what kills me, thinking they will never know the truth, they never heard the real story. Maybe, just maybe if they'd known all that happened things wouldn't be this way, as if their existence in my life was nothing more than an acquaintance coming and going.... Just staying for awhile in the middle. And as if I didn't match up and just wasn't good enough, not for the long run. Please know I never imagined or meant for things to turn the way they did, but when people aren't living for God, there's bound to be trouble. I'm sorry that things couldn't stay that way, and I still think of you all daily.

So Nursing Pinning Ceremony this Sunday. Exciting! It's to symbolize our current practice as a Student Nurse. Yah! So, it's pretty much official. =)

And DANCE TRYOUTS STARTING TUESDAY! Ha. Wont make it to the first practice - Freaking night class... Hahaha. But they've got me covered. Cant wait to finally dance again. Horray!

P.S. Life is too short to take for granted. Man alive, Im just starting to realize just how many amazing friends I have. ((Must not be uncompassionate after all - I swear some people know exactly what to say to ruin your week... But being bitter isn't pretty on anyone... And Im glad I can finally see that. The past is over and should be left there...)) Anyways, Im lucky and blessed and haappppppy and oh-so thankful! I just cant believe all that is going on anymore. And sunny days, always bring a smile to my face - like today!

But sometimes, I cant help but dwell on the waste of my time... I know it may not make sense to you. But I have never been so discouraged and disappointed. Really - I wasted and gave so much. All for what? This?....

K. Watching Made of Honor! Then taking a nap and dreaming of all those beautiful babies! Naptime... Then seeing my favs....

Torn Between The Impossible

Its like I dont know what to do anymore. Be there for someone I love, or continue to act like that part of me has died and been long since over and done with. I know what I need to do, but why cant on those days where its too much to handle, why on those days is it when Im needed for a situation that is too much to bare. Im not a selfish person, nor am I uncompassionate. But a heart can only take so much. And the lies were too much to even understand or make sense of. I look back and realize they werent just this summer, theyve been a long time coming. Maybe Im dumb for always trusting, always depending, always understanding... Then Im made out to be the selfish one. The one that cant be there for someone... When shed do anything to take that place. When nothing makes sense. Some days are amazing, other days are full of fear... of absolute shock of all thats happened. And why I feel so responsible... Why does a heart have to be so torn. Ready to be done - but not able to let go. It doesnt make sense. I mean God has a reason for everything, but its usually just hard to see... Something could be really over, something may only be over for the time being... to some day be something better than ever before, something may end simply to touch u things or open ur eyes, but I swear... I wont lose something that was once and always has been mine. Gods will always finds its way in our lives.

On a brighter note, Ive found an amazing church! =) And an awesome bible study/community group! Yes yes yes. And its just what I needed.


Always remember this:

"God always gives you what you would have asked for if you knew everything that He knows."
__________________________________________________________________

Out With The Old, In With The New

<3
....

"Here's to the nights we've felt alive, here's to the tears you knew youd cry... Goodbye, tomorrow's gonna come too soon."

Wow, being a student nurse is such an amazing experience. And babies? Really, how can you not just be in the best of moods and fall in love. Birth is such an eye opening experience and a wonderful renewel of faith. =) I couldnt be more blessed and excited right now. I would have never have thought that I wouldnt even be nervous. However theres nothing but excitement right now, nothing. And to think, this is what Im doing with my life... Its starting. Everything is falling into place. I guess Im one of those people that love to look ahead and know that I really do have a lot going for me, and a bright future to look forward to. =) Im going to be doing something with my life that Im 100% devoted to and completely passionate about. Being able to touch hundreds of lives a day and making a difference, there is no job more rewarding. =) What an honor to become a nurse and have people trust you with their lives.

I know that plenty of family check this blog... So, let me also add how grateful I am to all those who stood by my moms side during her bowel ressection surgery. I know that everyone is going through a lot lately, but to know that so many people can put their own lives on hold to help out others is such a blessing - it brings a tear to my eyes. I really hate that I wasnt able to be there on the day of surgery (Since, I started clinicals.) But dont you worry, Ive tried to lecture her as much as possible about exercising and breathing exercises. =) Oh, we know she just loves me for that. Anyways, the surgery went amazing! And, of course, shes such a trooper and pushing herself right along! And should be out of the hospital in a few days! And, luckily, I am able to make a trip home this weekend to see my family & friends & that lucky guy of mine. :-) Haha.

P.S. Whoever you may be, please never take for granted all the great friends in your lives. I cant even begin to think of ALL the wonderful people that I know I can count on... And that know they can count on me as well. I know the past few weeks Ive stayed up super late a few times for a few friends in need... I just want you to know that I would do anything for you guys. And those late night calls make me feel blessed to have you in my life, theyre never, ever a burden! Needless to say, its sometimes hard to keep a busy schedule and keep up with everyone, but I promise Im trying. Above all else, I just want you all to know that Ive been beyond blessed to have you as a part of my life, and Im always, always here for you - and Im forever grateful!

I must also add that, looking back, I never thought Id be where I am today. Yeah, some people have "crapped" on me, others have used me, lied to me, misled me, mistreated me, and a few have even dropped me completely. But realistically, who doesnt go through that. Its really a part of life. No matter where youre at, keep your head up. And remind yourself to never live for anyone besides God. Because if you do, itll never work out. And when you lose that person, itll be like you lost part of your soul. The bottom line is that life never turns out the way we want it to, but youve gotta love AND live for YOURSELF (& keep that smile on your face), youve gotta be proud of the person that youve become and appreciate everyone from the past (even those worst enemies...) Because everyone has helped shape who you are today. Hahaha. Im not meaning to be sitting here preaching and lecturing. I just hate knowing that I have to feel like I wasted sooooo much of my time - when I wish I could have been told all this from the get go.

Then again, who am I to be giving advice. I swear I learn more about my self and life around me on a daily basis. And Ive finally begun to realize its rather refreshing. =)

Haha. I think I have probably rambled enough for the day. I hadnt been on here forever, but since Im away at school and dont see all the family on a constant basis anymore, I figured Id fill everyone in!

Love you all more than youll ever know. And remember, the smile on my face is there because of YOU! =) I couldnt be happier with all my friends and family and life, in general. Nursing is really getting better and better everyday.

[[but i must add, i ALREADY miss all those lil old ladies and lil old men at the nursing home back in Mattoon. but im coming to see you all this weekend....]]

Here's To Life

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~
We all deserve to be appreciated.
You shouldn't have to beg for a backrub.
Tomorrow is never promised, nor is your next breath.
Depend on God in all you do.
Befriend strangers.
Give more than you receive.
Never settle. Unless you want to be unhappy.
Dont think the grass is greener on the other side.
Never throw away love that has been given to you.
Dont take anything or one for granted.
Enjoy the sun.
Thank God for the beauty around you.
When you feel God talking, listen.
Marriage is a lifelong thing.
Always give someone another chance.
Never let yourself second guess. Know its right.
Let people in.
Trust when you cant find the strength.
Pray.
Love... like you've never been hurt.
Smile even when you're not happy.
Work your hardest everyday.
Make a good name for yourself.
Stand up for whats right.
Give to those in need.
Be a witness of your morals and faith.
Dance through lifes' obstacles.
Never believe something is impossible.
Celebrate the little things.
Dont judge.
Hold onto your family.
Be thankful.

Most importantly, be appreciative of everything both big and small! Life is a gift. So make the best of it.

Ha. Dont know what all that was about, but people frustrate me anymore... Soooo. Take it in.

.Peace.out.girl.scout.

What's A Heart To Do

Sick.
Misunderstood.
Alone.
Afraid.

But wondering why these feelings are so strong only sometimes. And other times I can put it all aside and realize that if he truly ever does get over me, then we werent met to be. You see I can tell myself that all day long. But what I really think is there has to be a reason for all this... Not just for us to suffer, for us to hurt, for me to handle situations all wrong. Not for me to just not be myself, and act crazy and scared and in love beyond words. Was it that for three and a half years, I just loved him more, just felt more, just trusted in our future more? Was it me that had no doubts of us being together forever? How dramatic am I being? I mean, this shouldnt matter right? God will bring me through, I know that.... But what I dont get is all the ups and downs. When things are great, then things are terrible, and whats worse is that I feel like its always my fault. Things get great, then I listen to some idiot, or worry, or assume and make something out of nothing.... then its late at night, I dont think before I open my mouth, and Im freaking out. I dont want things to be like this. Not anymore. I cant keep doing this to myself or him. I dont get it anymore. Things are great, they can and have the utmost potential to be that way and stay that way. You see, its not possible for someone to feel so strongly about someone else. For a couple to not be able to move from each other...after so much time...and still love each other more than the other can even fathom. Why do I have such faith? And do I even have a reason to anymore? Idk. Guess I dont care either. I can only be myself. Say what I feel, but depend on only myself and God for happiness. I just dont get why so long, why the other girls? And blocking me? Does no good. ((I really wish it did - I wish blocking someone would elminate them from your life, if only for a short time, just to elminate the worrying))... But Ill forever be in his life, so I guess some people just might have to get used to it. Im sorry, and wish it werent that way, but this girls love is going no where. Whats worse, I am not even trying to make it go away. Its just still not what God's putting on my heart... Idk. I just hope I can see it when he is...


"If youre really soulmates, its going to take far more than a few years to move on with your life... Pretending can only get you so far."

The Light Shining Through ..::..::..

Waking up at 5:15am, is not something I want to think about until clinicals start in the Fall. Hahaha, but it looks like no matter what I feel on the subject, my body will do whatever it wants. Unfortunately, its summertime, and at this hour...the only thing I can do is run/workout, but Im hoping to fall back asleep, so thats not a current option. Hmmmm, I hate the feeling in my stomach right now. I wont go into details...but...well, enough said I guess. My momma says she wont let this happen again, but Im afraid this again this year, she has no control.

So, I decided random nights out are sometimes bad news. Hmmm, the other night was odd. I did have a good time at first, but then well, somethings I wish I could avoid at all costs, and cant seem to.

P.S. Im eating better. And have been for a few weeks. Well see how long it lasts, but I feel like I owe that much to "helping my mom out now". Making it easier on her, makes me feel so much better. And the walks and running help of course. But I really need to check into another gym membership. Im thinking 24 hour gym this time maybe?

Did you know that reading is one of the greatest things possible. Ive realized that my mind is able to escape from every possible thing in this world and get all wrapped up in a life far from my own. I think reading is the one time that I dont spend my every second worrying about other people. Haha. Im engrossed in something new and exciting. Im reading about a book every few days now [[And more time for the bible]]. Reading might be my number one love about summertime.

And, Im part of a prayer support team now. Thats exciting news. Nothing more rejuvenating than being a part of something so much bigger than myself and helping others! Another great thing, Ive made some amazing friends lately. A few from the end of the school year, but some others actually from back home. And one that well, I dont really know, but her prayer and support already means the world to me.

God is AMAZING. In times of needs, he always conquers. Last night at work, a resident said some comforting things when I was about to break and fall into pieces. She had no clue what was going on, but Im thinking she was my angel last night. Gave me strength when God told her just what I needed to hear. Plus, Ive felt God tugging on me sometimes lately, and when I act on it asap, I feel like Ive touched some just when they needed it most. Its a weird feeling, but youve gotta just go with it, and LET GOD!

...Please remember to be kind to everyone you meet for theyre fighting a battle you know nothing about...

Keep my family in your prayers. Please & thank you.

[[oh and of course, my heart still hurts more everyday...]]

-------> LOVE PICS <-------


(awe - my bff & me. yeah hes my fav & great & amazing. Kinda like ...all that and a bag of chips...)

Sex and the City

-----------

Not good to watch if:

youre feeling used.
ure a hopeless romantic.
ure wondering when its going to work out for you.

Just an idea. Ive heard it from various people. HAHA.

Btw, my family = awesomeness.
Summer = great.
Work = enough said.

Oh and Im writing a song - because I think its fun. Dunno where it came from & no one will ever hear it, but I think its interesting.

And ummm, Im pretty much stoked about working in OB starting FALLLLL! Bring on the babies and mommas! Yes yes yes. Finally taking care of people (NOT as a CNA) haha!

I Am ----->

.....

needing more guidance than I ever thought possible. I really dont know what to do or say anymore, or even how to go about saying it....or getting my point across. Truth is...sometimes I feel like I really know what God is doing in my life, and other days Im wondering what I did to be in the position Im in. I know, I know...people think that sitting on the outside looking in...things are cut and dry, black and white. But in my life, its a mess of a whirlwind...a roller coaster that goes down more often than it goes up....Really youd think I was far below sea level, fighting my way back to the top, struggling for any bit of breathe that I could get. Most of the time I feel like I just need someone to reach out, grab me and pull me up. Make me have motivation, make me see that this isnt the life I was intended for. But I guess thats a whole nother test in itself - fighting for what I believe in, what I want, and what I know is meant for my life. Some days the motivation and strength are there without asking, without being forced, but other times, Im lost and struggling and wondering how everyone else makes it look so incredibly easy. There are things I need to change, need to work on...to become the person that I want to be and know Ill become. But thats like anyones life, right? Making improvements, changes, sacrifices. All I know is what my heart tells me all day long, before I go to sleep at night, and first thing when I wake up. Its love...maybe thats the most important thing in the universe. I mean, thats pretty much what I think anyways. But love is hard, love is a struggle, love takes work. The thing is...youve gotta find that person that is worth fighting for, that the good is worth the bad, the one...the only one. Well, I suppose Im trying to say that "Im in"...count me in. Im a girl that cant help but know what I want and how I feel. Things were amazing for so long for a reason. I was blessed beyond all recognition! And well, anything important enough...is always worth fighting for. And when two people fight for each other....against all odds...whats supposed to happen, will happen. As long as things have been let go, given over to God, and all hurt has been released. A fresh start for something a long time coming... <3 Its your love, it just does something to me...

Home For Summer

Yay. Im home & this summer is my fresh start! I know that sounds so cliche, but I get some space and some freedom away from things dragging me down. Ya know that saying "let go of what kills you and hold onto what keeps you breathing.." Well, its something like that. And I guess thats how summer is going to be. :-) Horrray. I get to see some of my fav people ever! But then again, Im leaving too many back in Eville. Ugh. So, about every other weekend, Ill be there for sure. YES! And P.S. I have some of the cutest baby cousins in this world. AdOrAbLe! But, yesterday, was the last day in my grandparents house & it was impossible & final & everything I didnt want to deal with, but handled just fine i suppose. Anyway, its over & I really dont want to see movers in there on Tuesday. No thanks. But, this week is full of new things & appointments & excitements. Hahaha. (Oh, and maybe a visit from a new friend... )

So, lets make it great...

Past, Present, Future

[[Youll get yours and I firmly believe it. Thanks though. Lol. It was a good laugh while it lasted.]]
_________________________________________________

Lately, Ive done a whole lot of thinking about my grandparents and just how much I miss them. I dunno if any of you have heard the song "He's Walking Her Home," but its pretty much written about the two of them. I know, I know I talk about them an awful lot. But if you had ever met them, you would completely understand. I have no clue what they are doing up in Heaven. But all I know is that I need to thank God daily for putting such wonderful people in my life. What an inspiration to every life they've ever touched! Always uplifting and wonderful witnesses. Its such a blessing to have no doubts that they're up in heaven for eternity, waiting to see the rest of their family. Some days I wish seeing them would come sooner rather than later because my grandparents meant more to me than anything on this Earth. They were a match literally made in Heaven. And without a doubt, could not and would not survive without the other. Days like today when some people feel like starting drama...for attention, more than likely, I think of the bigger picture. I was beyond blessed out of this world having amazing grandparents & a wonderful boyfriend/bestfriend that was able to be a part of their lives as well. So, why do some people feel the need to create this, make things worse than they are. Just step back and have complete faith that God knows what hes doing. Im going to be honest, I have no clue what Im doing anymore besides trying my hardest to get by and get rid of this grudge on my shoulder. Other than that, everything will work out the way its supposed to. Me worrying about it does nothing. However, I dont deal with getting slapped in the face, or laughed at. So, for your own sake. Dont do it. :-)

---My grandpa would be lecturing me right now, complimenting me, and reminding me of my strengths and weaknesses. I love you & always will...these past four months havent been the same without you around. ---

This Would Be Happening

Right now he's probably slow dancing with a bleach blond tramp,and she's probably getting frisky...right now, he's probably buying her some fruity little drink cause she can't shoot whiskey...Right now, he's probably up behind her with a pool-stick, showing her how to shoot a combo...And he don't know...That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,carved my name into his leather seats...I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,slashed a hole in all 4 tires...Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.Right now, she's probably up singing somewhite-trash version of Shania karaoke..Right now, she's probably saying "I'm drunk"and he's a thinking that he's gonna get lucky,Right now, he's probably dabbing on 3 dollars worth of that bathroom polo...And he don't know...That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,carved my name into his leather seats,I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,slashed a hole in all 4 tires...Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.I might've saved a little trouble for the next girl,Cause the next time that he cheats...Oh, you know it won't be on me!No...not on me'Cause I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,carved my name into his leather seats...I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,slashed a hole in all 4 tires...

-------------------------->

...hm. you think some people would realize, or maybe just feel STUPID. bahahaha. of course not. yes, please continue to make my life a living disaster. i dont mind that you lack any human decency in this world. thanks for that and for making my self esteem a -4. hahaha. greatness, i tell ya. wanna know the only reason i would ever be up at 4am ----reliving crap i shouldnt have went through in the first place. im sorry only says so much...PrOvE iT & say SEEYA! or else IM DONE...really, its all about respect. so, how much respect am i worth these days................................

And It's Raining On Sunday

I'm laying here, wondering why in the world I'm up this early on a Tuesday. Considering, it's the one day that I don't have class til noon. My opinion, usually when I sleep with my window open, something outside wakes me. Sadly enough, I'm a light sleeper. So light that I've been having to turn my phone on silent anymore, just to get some sleep. But I missed a bunch of calls last night from my fella, no good at all.

So, I'm pretty much rambling, but when am I not these days. Over Christmas, I watched a Joel sermon, and I think it was made for me. Well, recently, I watched it again. And let me just say, no one is going to steal my happiness. No one is good enough to take away a good day. Not a single soul should allow that to happen. It is actually considered a sin, which makes perfect sense. For example, what if someone has been rude to me, and then Im upset. Well, I act differently towards others. I wouldnt be as nice, outgoing, or even smile as much. But what if God had intended on me brightening someones day that really needed it. In turn, that person I was supposed to touch is still in a down mood, you see it can eventually affect hundreds of people. I think it's something we all need to work on. Yet another thing that I just dont understand, RUDE PEOPLE. Why are people even curtius anymore. Holding doors? Saying thank you? Smiling? Asking how someone is doing? Shaking hands? Being polite? I dont understand. Some days I will wait, and hold the door open for someone, and they wont say a word. Fortunately, I dont do that to get anything in return; however, I thought that was just common courtesy. How sad. Lets all start working on that. Goodness.

Another thing, why do so many people just not get it sometimes. I mean, I know I laugh at them for it, and I have to apologize to God daily for doing just that. But come on people. Hypothetically, how can you be obsessed with someone that tells you "sorry you were a mistake" or even "Im still in love with my exgirlfriend, and really want things to work with her." Whats sad, is I have seen this lately, not only for myself, but a few friends. I just dont get it. So, I wanna say, you girls all look pathetic and desperate, but youre not (or maybe). So, please just listen and stop, stop, stop making yourself look like a fool. He's not interested. Ok? Thanks. :-) As for girls like me, well we just have to listen to him, and know he has no interest. Especially when they say "she doesnt mean anything to me, nothing more than a friend. You're my everything." All I can say to that is YES PLEASE. Some days it's harder than others to blow off things, but ya know. Today is the start of something new, the start of me saying...best of luck to you girls, I dont care about what ya'll think anymore. Just get a clue. I was the one blessed for four years...and there's plenty more to come.

Oh and one of my lab assistants is pregnant. And all I can say is, what a miracle! I would have to say one of the greatest days of my life was helping deliver a baby. Well, I didnt do an awful lot, but I was able to watch and be right there throughout the entire delivery, holding her leg while she pushed like no other. Thus far, it's one of God's greatest miracles that I have ever witnessed, right behind my grandparent's love! [i will always miss them and think of them daily]...

"Its not over tonight, just give me one more chance to make it right...I wont go home without you...the weight of things remain unspoken..." - "Every night you cry yourself to sleep thinking why does this happen to me. Why does every moment have to be so hard..."

AOL: JLeighBreeze18

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Stealing Cinderella

I just love this song, and think it's so sweet. I cant imagine what its like to be a dad in that position, but how amazing to see all the changes in your child's life - the first words and steps, making friends, relationships, tears, heartaches, fights, graduating, marriage, children, etc. Thinking about this song makes me think of my future, of all the good that is bound to come in my life. I cant wait for all the joys that my future holds and the day that someone steals my dad's Cinderella. :-)

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I came to see her daddy for sit down man to man
It wasn't any secret i'd be asking for her hand
I guess that's why he left me waiting in the living room by myself
with at least a dozen pictures of her sitting on a shelf

She was playing Cinderella
She was riding her first bike
Bouncing on the bed and looking for a pillow fight
Running through the sprinkler with a big popsicle grin
Dancing with her dad, looking up at him
In her eyes i'm Prince Charming
But to him i'm just some fella
riding in and stealing Cinderella

I leaned in towards those pictures to get a better look at one
When I heard a voice behind me say
"Now, ain't she something, son?"
I said "Yes, she quite a woman"
and he just stared at me
Then I realized that in his eyes she would always be

Playing Cinderella
Riding her first bike
Bouncing on the bed and looking for a pillow fight
Running through the sprinkler with a big popsicle grin
Dancing with her dad, looking up at him
In her eyes i'm Prince Charming
But to him i'm just some fella riding in and stealing Cinderella

He slapped me on the shoulder
Then he called her in the room
When she threw her arms around him
That's when I could see it too
She was Playing Cinderella
Riding her first bike
Bouncing on the bed and looking for a pillow fight
Running through the sprinkler with a big popsicle grin
Dancing with her dad, looking up at him

If he gives me a hard timeI can't blame the fella
I'm the one who's stealing Cinderella

Full Of LoVe <3

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~

I have some of the most amazing friends ever. But most importantly, I met someone absolutely fantastic over four years ago, and he has forever changed my life. After a lot of understanding, and compromising, things are continuing to get better. =) Despite all the hardships we all are forced to endure, God really is amazing. Sometimes terrible things happen and mistakes are made, ONLY to bring you CLOSER to the person you are really supposed to be with. God always has a plan. And this plan, this plan is amazing!




...oh, and one of my amazing friends turned 21 last night (only a week after MY 21st! yayyyy!) great times! And lots of fun ahead~~~~~

What Did I Ever Do

Yeah, its 5:30 in the morning, and I have yet to go to sleep. Maybe its from the panic attack, maybe its from all the questions running through my mind, maybe its from the images that will never leave - that will always be embeded.

All I can say is, God what did I do. Why do you want me to suffer daily. I had never felt a love like you bestowed in "MY BEST FRIEND"...my future, all my hopes and dreams. My life. No, I did not go through a break up. Because you see, we usually act like were together...no, I have to suffer daily feeling so many emotions, too many to count. How am I supposed to trust, and why would I not care if he talked to someone he was intimate with. It doesnt matter anymore. Its happened. I can forgive all day long, as long as she is out of my life. You see, I want to forget it all...but I cant when I see and hear and think...and have nothing in return. I get sick. The mere thought of it all. Of last summer...of the MISTAKES that he claims...him saying he was trying to get over me...but it didnt work. [[the bible actually says in order to cleanse your life and gain forgiveness and trust, you have to rid yourself of what it was that happened and be truthful and honest]]

Lord, Im battling more than I ever thought I would. For I thought my life was all planned accordingly. Truth is, I wont be disrespected any longer. Because, you see, anyone would think of it as being just that.

So, Im through. There are so many things I currenlty need to cut out of my life. And these worries are gone, even if that means saying goodbye to my best friend, so he can be someone elses. Please take care of him in whatever path he so chooses. You see, NO ONE...not even a random he meet four days after we broke up...will EVER love him or treat him like I did.

But I ask, Lord, please tell me what I did, why you want me to be going through this, even a year down the road. A sign, anything. Because I barely survived this time, you know I wont be able to do it again.

This pain, it hurts. Its time like these I wish I could just go straight to Heaven and be with my grandparents and see their love...a love that no longer exists on earth. For they were the greatest people to have lived - witnesses to everyone around them.

please pray. please pray...i need it now more than ever. people say that my hearts too big -- well i guess right now, i might just have to agree...because its ached for just too long.

Please & Thank You

Get out of my life. I never asked you to be in it. Yet you are and have brought other people into my life as well. People that make me sick to my stomach, people that cause me even more heartache and pain. Its them or me. Youve decided. But ya know, I gave it my all. This time, its on you.

They say God is good and Ive always stood behind that 100%, but Im starting to struggle. What in the world did I do that was so terrible?...

Just please. Get out.

So there, thats my emotional, psychological, spiritual struggle right now. What a great time to be having it. My junior year of college & first year of nursing school. How amazing. What a great time to freak about where my future is going, and if I will ever truly make someone happy. And what if I do. Is it going to be an another amazing three years, and then...about that...it was all a sick joke? Guess what, I cant do it again.

Because when I do something, I give it my all. My heart and soul...and it cant take that again.

Please pray...for me ...(and all the nursing students)...

There's More To Me Than You

You know everything about me - from my best to my worst quality.
Yet, you remain at my side, even when in doubt of whats to come.
Faith is something that we must share in our minds & hearts alike.
But most importantly, we are forced to believe...in each other & in us.
Trust my not come easy, but its harder to just give up.
I guess the truth of the matter, is that I love you all too much.
You see Id give anything to just show you that I understand.
Mistakes are something that happens, a thing of the past.
But our love will go on forever, until the end of time.
Obviously, we have both tried and failed at living apart.

...So, lifes rough...get a helmet. And like a "certain someone" always says..."choose your battles"... =) ok ok, so i need to try a little harder, but sometimes it hurts to wake up from a dream that felt so unbelievably real...so real, that it actually happened in the past. Its just all so hard to comprehend. ...But truly, we are better because of those mistakes weve made.

Yeah, It's Almost April

My life is so confusing, but Im starting to enjoy never having a set routine...and having different people always involved, new friends...ohhh everything i guess.

Who would have thought the girl thats always taken...would get used to being single. I guess it helps that I have about ten amazing best friends that keep my life muy entertaining. Heck, who am I kidding. I am the one entertaining them. =) hahaha. Oh well, I like it that way.

What I know is that someday, someone will want me and only me. They wont wanna go out, hang with some nasties, and not call for hours on end just cause theyre "busy".

Yeah, too much to ask? Not at all. My grandpa always told me...I was going to make some man very, very happy someday, and I would be his life ((and him mine...)). And well, grandpa knows best! =)

But guess what, Its just about April...which means BIRTHDAY month for me and some of my favs...!!!

I Will Offer Thanks to What Has Been and Whats to Come

You want to know the two single most people to ever give me hope, faith, encouragement, love, desire, inspiration, fulfillment...my grandparents. I know they are in a better place, but i just cant help but be selfish...especially on nights like tonight, where I would just go over there, and cry with them. And talk about everything. My grandparents knew more about me than any single person on this planet; yet, they were my biggest fans - without a doubt. My grandpa always knew what to say, how to make me feel like I was amazing and could do anything that I desired and be the person that I wanted to be, always made me feel unique and special and uplifted. Some nights...people need this more than anything.

If you are ever feeling like you need someone, I dont care who you are or what youve done, please know that I am here. If anything, I want to have my grandparents love be passed on throughout our entire family...to every single person that needs it, like it or not. I may never know what to say, but I can listen and try to relate.

Just some times we all feel like were disappointments. I know that when Im feeling like this, I feel alone, but I need to remember that everyone goes through this.

I dont know what Im tryin to say. But bottom line, we all know what we want for ourselves, some times we fall short & sometimes were even fall off base. The good news, we can change it. We can be bigger people and take a step back and look at whats right, whats wrong, and what honestly needs to be done.

If youre going through something that you just dont see an end to, please know many others can relate. Say a prayer for me, and I will without a doubt, say a prayer for you!

God bless.

Forever With You, Forever In Me

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From: Me [i tried].... To: Whoever wants to read [no critics]

I never knew as I lay there thinking about what life had become
that I would soon be somewhere in a world far away from my own.
The year ahead had something in store for me
much greater than anything I felt even remotely prepared for.

Looking back I can see the reasoning, the necessity.
Yet I truly thought at the time it would be the end of everything,
everything I had ever known or wanted for my life.
Oh looking back, I can see so much now, but not then.

But when thinking of those days - to being young and naive,
not having a care or worry in the world that even begins to compare
to what I was about to go endure and fight my way through.
It was the end of adolescence, and the beginning of so much more.

I was sent in a whirlwind, spinning out of control.
I felt lost and hopeless and helpless, most of all, alone.
Shaking, I heard words that I never thought I could comprehend.
Yet I did; day by day, I grew, I learned, and I am far better because of it.

Similar to a roller coaster without an end, my life had turned.
Like it or not, I lost people I loved. Some to death, others to heartache.
But you see, Gods plan is bigger than you and me.
My fate lays solely in His hands.

Some days I wonder and lose myself in pointless thought,
wondering what I can do or say to be with the one I love,
Then I realize I am no longer able to rationalize things like I used to,
I cant run to the greatest witnesses of Gods love for strength and hope.

You see, they are up in Heaven rejoicing with the one and only.
I cant imagine all they are doing and saying and thinking and singing.
But I know they want whats best for me and for me to do what is right.
And whats best doesn't include worrying about things beyond control.

"...God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference..."

Let me just say...thank the Lord...2007 is over. And I don't think I would be here today if it weren't for my momma pushing me, making me, molding me, praying, encouraging, and just listening and trying to understand. I realize they say "mothers know best." I just thank God daily that my mom is not a bit two-faced or a gossip - she is real! She was there when I had no one and was at the lowest in my life. I will forever be in debt to her. <3






so we both look terrible in this picture, but my momma was fried and we were dead tired on vaca, plus, its the first one i found on here! =)

Whatever It Takes

-
*No this isnt how I am feeling right now necessarily, but I know plenty of people that this song will hit home in their hearts, and sure, I can relate to some parts. Anyway, life is crazy. I have met so many amazing people, in some of the oddest ways, but I love it. The problem is: the more people that I met, the more disappointed I am in all the poor characters, low morals, and constant lies. Guess you've gotta meet all the bad to appreciate the good!


Whatever It Takes by Lifehouse

A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

She said "If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"
She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together,
I know you deserve much better

But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

There's a Little You in Me

*
*
*

Some days I have no clue what I'm supposed to expect or think or want or even need. At times I'm confused, lost, unfortunate.

Luckily, I know what it is that I want out of life. And I know who I love, I know who has my heart, I know who never will, and I know that my friends are the greatest people that I could ever ask for.

Everything happens for a reason... even the greatest love & the worst heartache.

And "sometimes two people have to fall apart to realize how much they need to fall back together...."

But when that is not the case, "some doors close for even better ones to open."

The hardest part of life is trying to understand which of the two is happening and what we are supposed to do, expect, and just how long is it that we are to wait before our heart is forced to mend itself, alone.

All I know is that its most important to be happy. If God wont let certain feelings disappear from my heart, then so be it.

Try To Be Yourself

_____________________________
In God's Hands
I looked at your face
I saw that all the love had died
I saw that we had forgotten to take the time
I saw that you couldn’t care less about what you do
Couldn’t care less about the lives you couldn’t find the time to cry
You forgot about love
We forgot about faith
We forgot about trust
We forgot about us
And now our loves floating out the window
Our loves floating out the back door
Our loves floating up in the sky
In heaven where it began back in gods hands
You said that you had said all that you had to say
You said baby it’s the end of the day
We gave a lot
But it wasn’t enough
We got so tired
We just gave up
And now our loves floating out the window
Our loves floating out the back door
Our loves floating up in the sky
In heaven where it began back in gods hands
Back in gods hands
I didn’t respect it
It went on neglected
I didn’t deserve it
But I never expected this
Our loves floated out the window
Our loves floated out the back door
Our loves floated up in the sky
To heaven
It’s part of the plan
It’s back in gods hands
It’s back in gods hands
It didn’t last
It’s a thing of the past
No, I didn’t understand
Just what we had I want it back
Just what we had I want it back
Just what we had

Great song that came on while I was cleaning and doing homework. Its sad to see in this world so many people let things go unappreciated and unnoticed. People look for problems when they dont see all the good that has come too. I know its hard, but its important to look at the positive side of things as well. Am I hypocritcal? Most certainly am right now. And I couldnt feel worse about everything and all the people that I have hurt in the process. The changes keep on coming...

Until next time, God bless!

"& dance like the whole world is watching."

A Single Quote Can Change An Outlook

"Some times good things fall apart so even better things can fall together."

.....God is good.....

<3 my family and friends are to die for. tonight may not be a great night for me, but i feel like everyday that you learn something new and open your eyes, it is a day well spent.

there is much for me to do right now...starting with taking care of myself - mentally, physically, and emotionally, putting god, school, and dance as top priorities. yeah - dance may sound a lil extreme, but god made me this way - i dance what i feel. well, the list could go on for days, but these things are starting tomorrow...hahaha after too long of classes that im not prepared for, gym time, then sleep...

thank you...

Can't You Make It Stop

So, pretending just isnt for me anymore. I dont know what to say, how to act, what to do, what to think. Im tired of acting like I know whats going on and Im in control and have a hold on things. This makes no sense. Nothing does anymore. Everything I say and do can be taken in a completely different way. Why cant things be black and white right now? Why am I hurting like this? Most of all, when did I start deserving this.

One of my amazing friends last night said, ya know what, maybe Gods just testing you. What made me the most upset was that I felt the need to say, "Then Im failing MISERABLY."

Im sick of time and pain, not knowing, confusion, complication, drama, tears, pain, heartache, disappointment, distrust, anguish, torment, games, fools, misunderstandings. And honestly, I just dont have the strength to do it anymore. End of story.

Anyways, a few random things...someone told me this morning they were sick of the guys that are always adding and looking up girls on facebook and myspace. And I just wanna shoutout - ME TOO! Ha. I guess I noticed someone this morning...has added about 25 girls since he's added ONE guy. Ha. I dunno, random. I guess guys add me sometimes, but I dunno. Maybe its because Im never the one to add people. I guess I think it looks desperate. So, of course I worry when someone adds about three girls EvErYday. Yeah, so what, it hurts my feelings too...whats new.

Welp, wanna hate all men on Earth? Watch The Last Kiss. Rarrr! Ha. Sorry for the anger this morning...I knew this week would be bad from the get go - and no, you cant change it, but please try.

Live, Laugh, Love - always...

And when someone puts up walls, please be strong and patient enough to break them down. If not for you, then for me...

Here's To You & Being Grateful

Yeah! I have an amazing family. End of story.

I hadn't been home for five weeks - and I was about to die. This past weekend, I surprised them! My brother actually kept the secret! Fortunately, I pulled in the drive right as my mom was pulling up. Anyway, it was so nice to be missed and appreciated. Sometimes, you forget how that feels. It's GrEaT.

So, do you ever have those days where you are overcome with a certain need to do something? I know this probably makes no sense to you, but on Friday I just had to do something. Something that would hopefully provide some help on a certain few days coming up in these next months. No big deal, just some things I had to do.

I know, I know. I over-analyze everything and worry a little too much, but part of growing up is learning that worrying makes things incredibly worse. It's hard to let go, but it's important because God's will needs to be done. Luckily, it happens much easier if we actually allow it.

Well, school is still kicking my butt. And ya wanna know what I do in my spare time...*hahaha, the little bit of it that I have*...well, to keep me sane, besides dancing! I write down quotes - anything I hear, see, read, etc. I love it. Makes me feel like I'm doing something. I don't know why, but I like it. Some days Ill write some quote down that I don't even understand at the time. Then, a few days later, I start thinking...wow, that quote really applies today, or even makes me feel better. Hm. You should try it.

K, 2:00 am and time for bed. Hope everyone is doing well and being thankful for everything that you have and that God has blessed you with! Just close your eyes and say a prayer of thanksgiving! ...speaking of Thanksgiving, I miss my extended family and all that yummyyyyy food... :) :) :)

I Love Babies

HaHaHa. I dunno, but I just love em! And luckily, there are plenty of young ones on both sides of the family. Yay! I know that I wont have kids for years and years, but it's something to look forward to! - Ill just babysit in the meantime....-

The Greatest Ever

I miss them more than words can say. Some days are much better than others, but everyday is hard, just the same. I know they are in a much better place, but I cant help being selfish and wanting to see them and talk to them everyday, like before. Their house will be for sale within the next week and a half, and I just dont know how I will ever be able to see anyone living in it. Itll break my heart. Theyve been in that house since I was maybe three years old. The worst part of it is that their house isn't even a block away from my own. I just dont know how I can see it everyday knowing someone else is living there.

I miss you guys so much! Neither of you will ever be forgotten!

Life's a Battle

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. And I thought I wanted to be a nurse. Well, the nursing program is insane here. Alright, so I really do wanna be a nurse, but school shouldn't be like this. I realize people say it is hard for a reason - you need to learn a lot because you will have a lot of responsibility. I would agree, IF I felt like I was learning something right now. I want to learn, I am ready to learn. The only problem is the fact that I feel what all I am doing right now is a waste of time. The good thing is that labs are amazing, and I really do have many great instructors. Three of them are actually very informative, but the other classes are almost shameful. Oh well - it'll pay off in the end.

On top of everything else, I am learning so much about myself and about my life more and more everyday. I am actually proud of some things that I have finally seen and have been shielding myself of for all too long. And, above all, I am stronger than I ever imagined. Some times life is not at all what it seems to be, sometimes its better, sometimes its worse, but in the end, you'll get what you deserve. Sometimes it may take longer than you want, and some times you might feel like you just cant fight anymore, but every person strong enough, with enough fight and will left, can get just what they deserve. At the end of the day, it is hard to see the light, but it does exist.

I know that I havent been the strongest person or the greatest friend lately, but that will change. My priorities are going to improve. I have finally realized that its not worth fighting for things that you have no control over. God will do what needs to be done with everyone's life - as long as we let him, as long as we turn it over to him.

Please know that even though I may never have the right answer or ever know what to say, but I will always be here to listen.

So Much for Sleep

I just don't know about much of anything right now. What I do know is that some day, some day I will be a great nurse, a wonderful mother, and a very devoted wife. And for knowing that, being certain of that, I am thankful. I would say that I cant wait for those days to get here, but honestly, waiting is half the fun and excitement.

Anyways, I tend to worry about my friends when they're going through something - so, I leave my phone on throughout the night during times when I just might be needed. Well, of course, tonight, no one feels the need to leave me alone. Any other night, I might laugh and joke about all the random people and all the random, hilarious conversations Ive had. However, Its Saturday, and I need church right now about as much as I need sleep. And, most importantly, I want to be able to wake up and get ready for church. As a matter of fact, I plan on trying a new church out tomorrow morning. Yeah, I know I'm going alone, but that's alright with me. I was going to a different church, but well...haha, like many things in my life right now, that backfired when two different people asked me to go to the same one. Yikes. Nonetheless, I need church - end of story!

Well, well. Here goes me being very vague, saying whatever has been on my mind and comes to mind. Too many people - wanting more than I do. Busy, busy life. Complete chaos. Leading on. Too many compliments. Not knowing what to do. The unknown. Scared. Hopeless. Options. Confidence regained. Satisfaction. Happiness. Temptation. Finally knowing I was good enough. Fear. Failure. Success. Love. Lose. Heaven. Joy. Despair. Missing my grandparents. Wondering whats to come for me. Will I face betrayal again. Can I trust completely. Why is forgiving easier than forgetting. Being proud of forgetting. No grudges. Making improvement. Why cant they all just want to be friends....

Ha. I know. Nonsense, and take from that what you wish. I must say even though I have been kept awake tonight, it has been yet again, a very flattering night. Bragging, not at all. Laughing, hysterically. Tonight, I have had three proposals, along with a few I love yous. All kidding, of course. I just love my friends, and yeah, I think they are amazing too. But they're crazy for thinking I am. I mean, come on, I really thought they knew me better than that, especially since Ive been honest and myself with every single soul that I've met these past few months. HaHa.

Oh well. Its 3am, and people are drunk. And the phone keeps ringing & beeping - It's times like these when I wish I could have neat ringtones to play my favorite song to me all night. Well, I sure hope my friend knows how much I care about her. If I didn't, this phone would be on SILENT! Love you and good night.


"Id rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not."

Nursing School, Say What

So, I must say that I don't know how I'm finding time to write a blog right now, but I'm thinking its necessary because I'm about to go out of my mind. It's been day three of SIUE's Spring semester in the actual Nursing Program. I was so excited to literally start classes that will teach us all what we're needing to know about becoming something we've dreamed of. However, I'm overwhelmed like never before. I'm thinking every single Nursing Student is on the same page. Ha. Well, I know we all are. Before classes even started, we had probably about 15 Chapters to have read, a quiz to study for, and medical equation homework assignments. This is ludicrous. Ha. I seriously cant believe all this. I realize that there is a reason for all this, but I'm actually really disappointed right now. I feel like I haven't learned much in any of my classes. However, I must say today was pretty good. Our four hour lab today actually taught us quite a bit, and surprisingly, we didn't have to teach ourselves. Yay. HaHa. Well, all I can say is "student-centered learning" is BoGuS. How about I just be a teacher and have the students teach themselves. What a job.

Alright, I'm done hating on the program. I really am excited and ready to learn and help others by making a difference! :) And the good news is that I like the majority of my professors! HaHa - please pray for all us nursing students! Cant wait to start catheters and IVs! :)

"If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it."
















My dad and I at Edwardsville. Not the best picture, but we had a blast - and he was so proud! :)

Where Am I Going

As I sit here and look at the ceiling, I realized thus far I have got nothing out of my life that I had previously planned. I understand that I still have much ahead of me; but what scares me the most is all the fear about the future. As nursing students, we are forced to have plenty of homework and readings done ahead of time. Yet, that isn't nearly the worst part. What gets me is looking over our schedule of things to come. This includes numerous things that really aren't all that bad. On the other hand, this list contains certain tasks and responsibilities that make me want to burst out in tears, such as, IVs, NG Tubes, Dressings, Trachea care, Catheters, etc. I just don't know what to think about it all quite yet. I mean, the scariest thing is that Ive been around it all, having worked in a nursing home for over two years, and I just loved all that. But, being a nurse is a whole different ballgame that I'm not so sure I'm ready for just yet. Please keep me and my calling in your prayers.

Most importantly, my grandparents never leave my mind. Day or night, busy or bored, alone or with a crowd, they will always remain in my heart to stay. I just don't know what I would have ever done not having known them. They both taught me so much. Honestly, I really wish I had them around right now because I feel like I have never been so withdrawn from the faith that I so badly need at this moment. It's just that so much has happened, continues to happen, and constantly frustrates me that I don't understand the purpose for everything. I know it is not for me to understand, but I know right now I am more vulnerable than ever before. Despite it all, deep down, I know that God is here for me when I need him the most, as He is for everyone.

"Do something everyday that scares you - take a risk."

2008: New Year, Fresh Start

As most know, 2007 wasn't my year at all. I ended 2006 by moving out of my house. Even though it was for the best and taught me more than I could have imagined and caused much unnecessary strain, it was one of the hardest things I have done - going against my parents wishes. 2007 started with the love of my life having to have an appendectomy. I know, I know - very routine procedure. However, I couldn't imagine life without him and the thought of him lying there under anesthesia made me go crazy. Of course waiting outside with his parents was the longest hour of my life, but it was still an experience for the both of us that only made us stronger. Ill never forget his first words after surgery being, "Where's my girlfriend?" The nurse brought him out and said hes been asking for his girlfriend for the past ten minutes with his hand in the air. Ha. It was dang near adorable. And for his sake, I wont go into all the things he said about me and about the two of us getting married and such with tears running down his face, while family and the paster were all present. But hes a romantic and always will be, whether he likes it or not. Well, we stayed in the hospital for a few days...Yeah, not leaving him left me not smelling the greatest, but you couldn't drag me away from taking care of him. Nonetheless, classes started and he missed the first two weeks (at least), and I missed the first few days. So, it wasn't a great start to the semester.

The year that I will never, ever be able to forget just continued to worsen everyday. I lost the one person that I thought would be my only constant in life, my best friend, the greatest boyfriend that any girl could ask for. I suppose it isn't right to say that I lost him. Rather, I should say things have changed, we've grown and learned more about ourselves and our relationship than we could have imagined. Despite the many mistakes that we have both made and the people we have dragged into the mess, it has strengthened us, our feelings and appreciation in the end. He is, without a doubt, still in my life and might even still have a strong hold on my heart. But we will see where the good Lord takes things from here.

Most importantly, the year went out with a bang - *completely sarcastic.* I lost my grandma in early November and lost my grandpa in mid December. They were literally the greatest couple to walk this planet. Everyday they put each other and everyone else before themselves. They constantly loved even complete strangers with only a love that could be given by God himself. They touched more lives than even I will be able to fathom, but I must say, every person they have ever known is a better because of it. I am honored to say that I am Charlie and Mary Jane Breeze's granddaughter!

Even though last year's mistakes and downfalls continue to be a part of me present day, I am trying my hardest to be a better person. Of course I am a struggling Christian, but I am trying and praying with all I have left. So, your prayers are much appreciated.