Wednesday, January 30, 2008

I Love Babies

HaHaHa. I dunno, but I just love em! And luckily, there are plenty of young ones on both sides of the family. Yay! I know that I wont have kids for years and years, but it's something to look forward to! - Ill just babysit in the meantime....-

Sunday, January 27, 2008

The Greatest Ever

I miss them more than words can say. Some days are much better than others, but everyday is hard, just the same. I know they are in a much better place, but I cant help being selfish and wanting to see them and talk to them everyday, like before. Their house will be for sale within the next week and a half, and I just dont know how I will ever be able to see anyone living in it. Itll break my heart. Theyve been in that house since I was maybe three years old. The worst part of it is that their house isn't even a block away from my own. I just dont know how I can see it everyday knowing someone else is living there.


I miss you guys so much! Neither of you will ever be forgotten!

Friday, January 25, 2008

Life's a Battle

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. And I thought I wanted to be a nurse. Well, the nursing program is insane here. Alright, so I really do wanna be a nurse, but school shouldn't be like this. I realize people say it is hard for a reason - you need to learn a lot because you will have a lot of responsibility. I would agree, IF I felt like I was learning something right now. I want to learn, I am ready to learn. The only problem is the fact that I feel what all I am doing right now is a waste of time. The good thing is that labs are amazing, and I really do have many great instructors. Three of them are actually very informative, but the other classes are almost shameful. Oh well - it'll pay off in the end.

On top of everything else, I am learning so much about myself and about my life more and more everyday. I am actually proud of some things that I have finally seen and have been shielding myself of for all too long. And, above all, I am stronger than I ever imagined. Some times life is not at all what it seems to be, sometimes its better, sometimes its worse, but in the end, you'll get what you deserve. Sometimes it may take longer than you want, and some times you might feel like you just cant fight anymore, but every person strong enough, with enough fight and will left, can get just what they deserve. At the end of the day, it is hard to see the light, but it does exist.

I know that I havent been the strongest person or the greatest friend lately, but that will change. My priorities are going to improve. I have finally realized that its not worth fighting for things that you have no control over. God will do what needs to be done with everyone's life - as long as we let him, as long as we turn it over to him.

Please know that even though I may never have the right answer or ever know what to say, but I will always be here to listen.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

So Much for Sleep

I just don't know about much of anything right now. What I do know is that some day, some day I will be a great nurse, a wonderful mother, and a very devoted wife. And for knowing that, being certain of that, I am thankful. I would say that I cant wait for those days to get here, but honestly, waiting is half the fun and excitement.

Anyways, I tend to worry about my friends when they're going through something - so, I leave my phone on throughout the night during times when I just might be needed. Well, of course, tonight, no one feels the need to leave me alone. Any other night, I might laugh and joke about all the random people and all the random, hilarious conversations Ive had. However, Its Saturday, and I need church right now about as much as I need sleep. And, most importantly, I want to be able to wake up and get ready for church. As a matter of fact, I plan on trying a new church out tomorrow morning. Yeah, I know I'm going alone, but that's alright with me. I was going to a different church, but well...haha, like many things in my life right now, that backfired when two different people asked me to go to the same one. Yikes. Nonetheless, I need church - end of story!

Well, well. Here goes me being very vague, saying whatever has been on my mind and comes to mind. Too many people - wanting more than I do. Busy, busy life. Complete chaos. Leading on. Too many compliments. Not knowing what to do. The unknown. Scared. Hopeless. Options. Confidence regained. Satisfaction. Happiness. Temptation. Finally knowing I was good enough. Fear. Failure. Success. Love. Lose. Heaven. Joy. Despair. Missing my grandparents. Wondering whats to come for me. Will I face betrayal again. Can I trust completely. Why is forgiving easier than forgetting. Being proud of forgetting. No grudges. Making improvement. Why cant they all just want to be friends....

Ha. I know. Nonsense, and take from that what you wish. I must say even though I have been kept awake tonight, it has been yet again, a very flattering night. Bragging, not at all. Laughing, hysterically. Tonight, I have had three proposals, along with a few I love yous. All kidding, of course. I just love my friends, and yeah, I think they are amazing too. But they're crazy for thinking I am. I mean, come on, I really thought they knew me better than that, especially since Ive been honest and myself with every single soul that I've met these past few months. HaHa.

Oh well. Its 3am, and people are drunk. And the phone keeps ringing & beeping - It's times like these when I wish I could have neat ringtones to play my favorite song to me all night. Well, I sure hope my friend knows how much I care about her. If I didn't, this phone would be on SILENT! Love you and good night.


"Id rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not."

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Nursing School, Say What

So, I must say that I don't know how I'm finding time to write a blog right now, but I'm thinking its necessary because I'm about to go out of my mind. It's been day three of SIUE's Spring semester in the actual Nursing Program. I was so excited to literally start classes that will teach us all what we're needing to know about becoming something we've dreamed of. However, I'm overwhelmed like never before. I'm thinking every single Nursing Student is on the same page. Ha. Well, I know we all are. Before classes even started, we had probably about 15 Chapters to have read, a quiz to study for, and medical equation homework assignments. This is ludicrous. Ha. I seriously cant believe all this. I realize that there is a reason for all this, but I'm actually really disappointed right now. I feel like I haven't learned much in any of my classes. However, I must say today was pretty good. Our four hour lab today actually taught us quite a bit, and surprisingly, we didn't have to teach ourselves. Yay. HaHa. Well, all I can say is "student-centered learning" is BoGuS. How about I just be a teacher and have the students teach themselves. What a job.

Alright, I'm done hating on the program. I really am excited and ready to learn and help others by making a difference! :) And the good news is that I like the majority of my professors! HaHa - please pray for all us nursing students! Cant wait to start catheters and IVs! :)

"If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it."
















My dad and I at Edwardsville. Not the best picture, but we had a blast - and he was so proud! :)

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Where Am I Going

As I sit here and look at the ceiling, I realized thus far I have got nothing out of my life that I had previously planned. I understand that I still have much ahead of me; but what scares me the most is all the fear about the future. As nursing students, we are forced to have plenty of homework and readings done ahead of time. Yet, that isn't nearly the worst part. What gets me is looking over our schedule of things to come. This includes numerous things that really aren't all that bad. On the other hand, this list contains certain tasks and responsibilities that make me want to burst out in tears, such as, IVs, NG Tubes, Dressings, Trachea care, Catheters, etc. I just don't know what to think about it all quite yet. I mean, the scariest thing is that Ive been around it all, having worked in a nursing home for over two years, and I just loved all that. But, being a nurse is a whole different ballgame that I'm not so sure I'm ready for just yet. Please keep me and my calling in your prayers.

Most importantly, my grandparents never leave my mind. Day or night, busy or bored, alone or with a crowd, they will always remain in my heart to stay. I just don't know what I would have ever done not having known them. They both taught me so much. Honestly, I really wish I had them around right now because I feel like I have never been so withdrawn from the faith that I so badly need at this moment. It's just that so much has happened, continues to happen, and constantly frustrates me that I don't understand the purpose for everything. I know it is not for me to understand, but I know right now I am more vulnerable than ever before. Despite it all, deep down, I know that God is here for me when I need him the most, as He is for everyone.

"Do something everyday that scares you - take a risk."

Friday, January 11, 2008

2008: New Year, Fresh Start

As most know, 2007 wasn't my year at all. I ended 2006 by moving out of my house. Even though it was for the best and taught me more than I could have imagined and caused much unnecessary strain, it was one of the hardest things I have done - going against my parents wishes. 2007 started with the love of my life having to have an appendectomy. I know, I know - very routine procedure. However, I couldn't imagine life without him and the thought of him lying there under anesthesia made me go crazy. Of course waiting outside with his parents was the longest hour of my life, but it was still an experience for the both of us that only made us stronger. Ill never forget his first words after surgery being, "Where's my girlfriend?" The nurse brought him out and said hes been asking for his girlfriend for the past ten minutes with his hand in the air. Ha. It was dang near adorable. And for his sake, I wont go into all the things he said about me and about the two of us getting married and such with tears running down his face, while family and the paster were all present. But hes a romantic and always will be, whether he likes it or not. Well, we stayed in the hospital for a few days...Yeah, not leaving him left me not smelling the greatest, but you couldn't drag me away from taking care of him. Nonetheless, classes started and he missed the first two weeks (at least), and I missed the first few days. So, it wasn't a great start to the semester.

The year that I will never, ever be able to forget just continued to worsen everyday. I lost the one person that I thought would be my only constant in life, my best friend, the greatest boyfriend that any girl could ask for. I suppose it isn't right to say that I lost him. Rather, I should say things have changed, we've grown and learned more about ourselves and our relationship than we could have imagined. Despite the many mistakes that we have both made and the people we have dragged into the mess, it has strengthened us, our feelings and appreciation in the end. He is, without a doubt, still in my life and might even still have a strong hold on my heart. But we will see where the good Lord takes things from here.

Most importantly, the year went out with a bang - *completely sarcastic.* I lost my grandma in early November and lost my grandpa in mid December. They were literally the greatest couple to walk this planet. Everyday they put each other and everyone else before themselves. They constantly loved even complete strangers with only a love that could be given by God himself. They touched more lives than even I will be able to fathom, but I must say, every person they have ever known is a better because of it. I am honored to say that I am Charlie and Mary Jane Breeze's granddaughter!

Even though last year's mistakes and downfalls continue to be a part of me present day, I am trying my hardest to be a better person. Of course I am a struggling Christian, but I am trying and praying with all I have left. So, your prayers are much appreciated.