What's A Heart To Do

Sick.
Misunderstood.
Alone.
Afraid.

But wondering why these feelings are so strong only sometimes. And other times I can put it all aside and realize that if he truly ever does get over me, then we werent met to be. You see I can tell myself that all day long. But what I really think is there has to be a reason for all this... Not just for us to suffer, for us to hurt, for me to handle situations all wrong. Not for me to just not be myself, and act crazy and scared and in love beyond words. Was it that for three and a half years, I just loved him more, just felt more, just trusted in our future more? Was it me that had no doubts of us being together forever? How dramatic am I being? I mean, this shouldnt matter right? God will bring me through, I know that.... But what I dont get is all the ups and downs. When things are great, then things are terrible, and whats worse is that I feel like its always my fault. Things get great, then I listen to some idiot, or worry, or assume and make something out of nothing.... then its late at night, I dont think before I open my mouth, and Im freaking out. I dont want things to be like this. Not anymore. I cant keep doing this to myself or him. I dont get it anymore. Things are great, they can and have the utmost potential to be that way and stay that way. You see, its not possible for someone to feel so strongly about someone else. For a couple to not be able to move from each other...after so much time...and still love each other more than the other can even fathom. Why do I have such faith? And do I even have a reason to anymore? Idk. Guess I dont care either. I can only be myself. Say what I feel, but depend on only myself and God for happiness. I just dont get why so long, why the other girls? And blocking me? Does no good. ((I really wish it did - I wish blocking someone would elminate them from your life, if only for a short time, just to elminate the worrying))... But Ill forever be in his life, so I guess some people just might have to get used to it. Im sorry, and wish it werent that way, but this girls love is going no where. Whats worse, I am not even trying to make it go away. Its just still not what God's putting on my heart... Idk. I just hope I can see it when he is...


"If youre really soulmates, its going to take far more than a few years to move on with your life... Pretending can only get you so far."