What Did I Ever Do

Yeah, its 5:30 in the morning, and I have yet to go to sleep. Maybe its from the panic attack, maybe its from all the questions running through my mind, maybe its from the images that will never leave - that will always be embeded.

All I can say is, God what did I do. Why do you want me to suffer daily. I had never felt a love like you bestowed in "MY BEST FRIEND"...my future, all my hopes and dreams. My life. No, I did not go through a break up. Because you see, we usually act like were together...no, I have to suffer daily feeling so many emotions, too many to count. How am I supposed to trust, and why would I not care if he talked to someone he was intimate with. It doesnt matter anymore. Its happened. I can forgive all day long, as long as she is out of my life. You see, I want to forget it all...but I cant when I see and hear and think...and have nothing in return. I get sick. The mere thought of it all. Of last summer...of the MISTAKES that he claims...him saying he was trying to get over me...but it didnt work. [[the bible actually says in order to cleanse your life and gain forgiveness and trust, you have to rid yourself of what it was that happened and be truthful and honest]]

Lord, Im battling more than I ever thought I would. For I thought my life was all planned accordingly. Truth is, I wont be disrespected any longer. Because, you see, anyone would think of it as being just that.

So, Im through. There are so many things I currenlty need to cut out of my life. And these worries are gone, even if that means saying goodbye to my best friend, so he can be someone elses. Please take care of him in whatever path he so chooses. You see, NO ONE...not even a random he meet four days after we broke up...will EVER love him or treat him like I did.

But I ask, Lord, please tell me what I did, why you want me to be going through this, even a year down the road. A sign, anything. Because I barely survived this time, you know I wont be able to do it again.

This pain, it hurts. Its time like these I wish I could just go straight to Heaven and be with my grandparents and see their love...a love that no longer exists on earth. For they were the greatest people to have lived - witnesses to everyone around them.

please pray. please pray...i need it now more than ever. people say that my hearts too big -- well i guess right now, i might just have to agree...because its ached for just too long.